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We are at a Gathering this weekend.  There is an intensity here that I haven’t seen in awhile and yet I sit near the back and mostly observe.

People are letting their passion for Jesus show.  I see it through expressions of pure joy on an upturned face. I hear it in groaning as prayers are offered up. I feel it in the vibration of the benches as feet stomp and hands clap.

I envy that depth of emotion.  I am realizing that my emotional system has become rather shallow. Self-protective. Not willing to experience the full breadth of emotion that is the human experience.

It wasn’t always like this for me.

Perhaps you will understand if you have lived with a volatile person for a lengthy period of time or experienced trauma or have had hope deferred for awhile.

I laugh a little,  cry a little,  get mad a little, experience anxiety a little (but often). But I know there is a fuller range of experience than what my system will allow at present.

I am not sure how to go about reclaiming that range but this weekend had me wanting to figure that out.

I want to feel deeply again.