Tomorrow is the first day.
There are no appointments, no lessons, no places I need to be.
No one here in these four walls but me and the dog tomorrow.
And it intimidates me.
This week the chapter I’m chatting about is focused on self-care.
I have not been good at that and that is probably why I find myself in the physical/emotional/spiritual desert that I am presently in.
I need sleep.
I need rest.
I need to unwind enough of this emotional mess that I am so I might actually get ‘un-numb’.
I find it fascinating that I feel completely apathetic about a lot of things but can bawl like a baby over some touching You-Tube video!
I have empty hours stretching ahead of me tomorrow.
The boxes are unpacked.
The kids will all be in school.
My husband will be in the field two hours away from here.
There are projects to do that I actually want to do – the kind that involve fabric and pretty things.
I am thankful for the dates I’ve had with dear friends this week.
After tonite we will have gone to all the ‘first’ night things.
But tomorrow, it’s just me.
I haven’t made any plans.
The chalkboard needs to cure for another two days before I write menu plans on it and shopping lists.
I still don’t have tacks for the bulletin board so no lists of chores can go up.
I can do anything I want.
And I will be here with just me.
With my thoughts and all these suppressed emotions.
I am half afraid they’ll just overwhelm me and I will be crushed.
I am going to pull on my big girl pants and see where God is going to take me.
I have a feeling it will get very…un-pretty…before it gets better.
I quite enjoy being by myself, I like my own company but I know this is going to be different.
He has issued me an invitation toward healing and grace filled days of rest.
That frog in the hot water is me and I’ve been swimming so long I am close to dead. I really have no idea how hot the water is.
I long for and dread what tomorrow brings.
And I don’t because the Lord has been instilling one message in me for the last week and it is this;
I can’t screw this up.
About four times this week I have heard that message in various forms. Here is a quote from the book:
God wants to hold us in the storm and whisper to us – Nothing can stop my plans for you. Not bad luck. Bad health. Bad decisions. I will never leave you. I am faithful. I love you. (page 95)
I have to believe that.
When I don’t know how to care for myself I have to believe that He does or I just might jump ship. He has got this. He’s got me. He’s got you. We can’t screw this up when we’re holding on to Him.
Hope is what I crave and what I’ll keep holding on to.
Enjoy this song by for King and Country – Hope’s What we Crave
What does self-care look like for you? Are you, like me, running from the onslaught? Or are you done?
Next week: I had the opportunity to chat with Emily Weirenga today about her new book Atlas Girl! I will post the interview on Tuesday.
This post is part of a series based on the book Finding Spiritual Whitespace by Bonnie Gray. The first post in the series is here.