I have been a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl.
And mostly it has worked for me.
Sure, when I was a children’s pastor I’d plan and process and pray through what I wanted things to look like in the ministry, but when it came down to execution of said plan you’d often find my carefully typed sheets on the other side of the window if you know what I mean. The Holy Spirit would infuse the moments and amazing, wonderful experiences took place.
In our home school we went wherever the wind carried us and it worked, those children have done well academically and they are on to bigger and better things.
I loved living in the moment. Being spontaneous.
I quite hate the process of planning…and I kinda love it, too.
I like seeing my ideas on paper, fleshing them out, because they’re good.
Good ideas. Good plans.
But my plans always seem to fall short. Things never went as I planned when I tried to stick to it.
I’d make schedules and no one would conform, not even me.
My inner rebel would rise up and there we were. No plan, no schedule, flying by the seat of our pants hoping that we covered all the ground we were supposed to and feeling guilt and shame build up like nobody’s business. Even though things were going well I felt like I was getting it wrong.
I can’t do that anymore. The stakes are higher now. I am older and slower. I think the seat of my pants has worn out or lost its magic somewhere along the way. My dreams and goals aren’t coming any closer. My kids are still learning and growing. There are still lovely projects coming out of my sewing room.
But something feels off and I know that it has to do with this lack of planning.
I am writing this post right now in an effort to avoid the planning and scheduling that is staring me in the face.
I don’t want to do it because those plans and schedules have blown up a million times in my face and I am tired of being disappointed by my own lack of discipline and direction and motivation. I am easily discouraged when I don’t see progress.
I am desperate for God to come in and tell me what that schedule will look like. I want Him to send angels to my bedroom and whisk me into work out clothes and move my limbs for me. I want Him to have the perfect home school/renovation/become-the-best-writer-in-the-world website/fabric/creativity therapy schedule and plan drop into my lap without me having to work so hard for it. (Yes I am aware that this isn’t a realistic hope!)
Sadly, I probably have that all stored in my very administrative brain just waiting to ooze out but I’m having trouble accessing it.
- I own a dozen great work out videos.
- The Art of Work by Jeff Goins is sitting here on my desk and I haven’t cracked the cover yet.
- My beautiful new iBloom Planner sits on my bed waiting for January 1, 2016.
- My work out clothes are hanging on the back of the bedroom door.
- I have a sewing room full of great projects some started, some waiting in the wings. I have fabulous tools and resources.
- I just attended Allume and received a heart full of inspirationand so many great resources to help me move my blog and book ideas forward.
And I am lost.
Stuck inside my own head. Wanting desperately to hear what God has to say about all of this and I feel like I can’t hear Him. I NEED to know what He thinks about me and my writing, me and my homeschool, me and my creativity, me and business, me and my body… And I am so scared that I will get all this planning and scheduling worked out on paper and then it will get sabotaged, side-swiped, T-boned, broad-sided, go up in flames or some such catastrophe because that is what has happened before more times than I can count.
I have travelled this road before and been sorely disappointed. My desire is to do well, succeed, be all that I’m designed to be and all that good stuff.
“Many are the plans of a man’s heart but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” I have a love/hate relationship with that verse. I want the Lord’s purpose to prevail, and I would like to have some of my plans succeed, too. I would like for them to mesh.
So I prayerfully go back to that blank paper on my kitchen table and will turn a desperate, yet hopeful heart to the Lord. I don’t want to be disappointed in this area any more and I know that there is every chance that I might be but I know that if I don’t do that work I will have no target to shoot at at all.
How about you? Do you struggle with plans and schedules? What has helped you overcome? How can I pray for you?
*this post is part of a series on Disappointment and Desire, to see the rest of the posts in the series click HERE