As I grew older the curiosity that was awakened grew, too. That dark part of me wanted more.
An adult in my life lent me a book, the same adult that had those magazines in their bathroom. The same adult who should have known better than to give a young girl books like that to read.
The novel was graphic…extremely graphic and suddenly there weren’t just pictures in my head but movies I created with my active imagination. Scenes played out and feeling generated that aren’t appropriate for a pre-teen girl to think about.
The monster of pornography was unleashed in full force in my young mind and it craved more constantly.
We moved away from that place but the enemy threw another source of filth in my path and I hungrily lapped it up.
Friends of my brothers, much older friends, invited them over for a movie night, since I was with them and this was our cool hangout, I went along.
Now the scenes that I had only imagined from the many novels I had read came to life before my eyes, I didn’t have to use my imagination anymore it was right there in front of me.
The hooks of sexual depravity were firmly sunk in and I was only 15.
My heart breaks for that girl who saw and read and imagined more than she ever should have.
Some people would argue that I never suffered abuse of any kind. No one ever laid a finger on me in the course of those years, no one forced anything on me.
But looking back at the shame and pain and guilt I felt I’m not sure it was any different.
Because those hooks kept fishing up more ways for me to sink…
This is #5 of a series:
1. The Beginning of Grace
2. Monsters in My Closet
3. The Night the Flame Went Out
4. Something is Awakened