Slipping into Darkness…

**Please note that the following content is not appropriate for children.**

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Sin tends to take place in the dark places of our soul. Perhaps if I had ever thought to tell someone of my struggle I wouldn’t have sunk in as deep as I did.

But good girls don’t do that.

Oh, I was a very good girl on the outside. I mastered the art.

I had a piece of rebellion to make my testimony more interesting but in reality my teen-age rebellion consisted of a few smoked cigarettes and a few swigs of alcohol (none of which my parents knew about) and all of that lasted a grand total of six months around the time my sister got married and I was upset with her for doing such a crazy thing!

And then the chameleon was born.

We had moved, again, and I was in the middle of a group of people that weren’t looked upon very nicely – they were the ‘bad’ kids – these were the people who had introduced me to the visual part of pornography. I saw another group of kids that were all ‘good’ kids. The adults loved them, they looked like fun and I made a decision – I was going to be a part of that group.

So I changed.

I became a choir member, joined the youth group, became a good girl and got accepted into that group. I felt like I had arrived.

I even put aside ‘those books’ because I knew that if anyone found out about that bit I’d be sunk.

I managed to capture the attention of a handsome young man and started my first dating relationship at 16.

But my mind was filled with much more than first kisses and tentative hand-holding.

My mind and body had been awakened to more and wanted to experience more in real life. I taught that guy how to kiss because I thought I knew something of how it was supposed to go. The relationship didn’t last long and I was heartbroken. My next boyfriend was a friend of my brother whom I didn’t even like, but I wanted to please my brother so I said yes. My desire to please people was firmly cemented by then.

In the meantime I sat in Sunday School classes and learned that sex had to wait for marriage otherwise it is bad – made sense to me and I was a good girl so that should be no problem.

And I did wait…sort of. My physical body was a virgin on the night of my wedding, but my soul was anything but.

I had no idea where to draw lines and boundaries in those early dating years, I allowed and explored, I gave away pieces of myself and threw out soul-ties but never TOO much because, after all, I was a good girl.

By this time my mind had wandered down a logical path and my actions followed, allowing myself to explore things myself and in the dark I learned more about what my body enjoyed. In the light of day no one would have ever guessed the darkness and shame that consumed my insides I was doing all the things that good girls should.

But in the dark I was dying.

By this time I had graduated from high school and found a young man who thought he wanted to marry me. My own self-worth was pretty low by this point and I figured if someone was showing an interest in me I had better latch on because this was probably as good as it was going to get. So even though my heart wasn’t in it, I said yes when he asked. He said he wanted to go into full time ministry, I wanted to be a pastor’s wife and a mom…so everything should work out just fine.

We decided to go to Bible college and God’s grace met me in a painful kind of way…

 This post is #6 in a series:

1. The Beginning of Grace

2. Monsters in my Closet

3. The Night the Flame Went Out

4. Something is Awakened

5. The Hooks are Set

About Lani

With six kids, a farm, a ministry and dreams poking out in every direction I need plenty of grace to keep all the balls in the air. The sweet thing is that when I drop them, that crazy grace of God is there telling me I'm still okay...and you are, too...welcome to this place of grace.
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