Raw and Unedited…

may 2013 076

Sasha and Foster (2013 kids)

Sasha and Foster (2013 kids)

Life on the farm can be harsh.

Last week we thought we had done what needed to be done for our mama goat that was expecting any day. We hustled her into the barn with a heat lamp, checked her often and sure enough she had two kids all safe and cozy in the barn. The week before we hadn’t been prepared and our other doe gave birth out in the cold and both kids froze.

Unfortunately, just about the time we were congratulating ourselves for a job well done, the thermometer dipped even lower. That mama isn’t very nurturing, she wouldn’t keep her babies warm and wouldn’t let them suck. By the time Kelly went to check on them again one was dead and the other well on the way. We tried to warm it up in the house but to no available, the little kid breathed its last and that was that.

God has been rearranging me.

Pulling me apart and showing me where I haven’t allowed Him in.

He’s trying hard to get me to nuzzle up to his warmth, trying to keep me alive…but sometimes I’m a stubborn little goat.

I’ve been part of the God-sized Dream Team for a year. And while there has been some movement in the direction of the dreams I shared publicly there has been virtually none, if not back-pedaling on some of the ones I really want.

Guess why…

These things take work!

Shocking, I know.

And I am often lazy.

Scared.

Un-organized.

Not disciplined.

Often, I am a whiner…wondering why God isn’t bringing this thing to pass…as I sit on the couch and watch another movie! (pass the chips please)

I have been given an amazing set of gifts and talents that I should not take lightly.

I have a bunch of kids that are smart and gifted and frustrating.

The other day I asked them point blank, “What are your dad and I doing, or not doing, that seems to create an atmosphere in which we don’t get things done, we are sloppy in our tasks, can’t get anywhere on time and generally don’t do what we say we will?”

One of my sons was brave enough to put it out there, “Maybe because we don’t see you doing it.” His voice was quiet, his head tucked in waiting for an attack. I sucked in a hard breath.

He was so right.

God has been showing me this.

I think I am finally at a place where I can say good-bye to the excuses and embrace the hard stuff.

He is putting in my hands the tools and the desire to go there.

I am in a Beth Moore study at church called Breaking Free. There is hard stuff to work through in there, but so worth it…

Then I was given a book at Allume that I just cracked the cover on by Crystal Paine called Say Good-bye to Survival Mode. This book is just launching now, you can find out more about it HERE.

I am so very aware of my weaknesses right now.

I am very aware that my children might be rebellious because their mom is.

I am spending a lot of time repenting right now.

I have no idea where this journey is going to lead but I am certain that I don’t want to be the mama in the pen with dead babies because she just couldn’t get it together to take care of them.

I only get this one go-round on life and I want it to be an adventure.

Not the kind of adventure that leaves you sick and lame. I want the adventure that leaves me sweating and breathing hard and knowing that I’ve won.

What does this all look like?

I’m beginning to get an idea. I know for sure it won’t be easy.

It’s going to involve setting goals and reaching them.

It’s going to involve routines and order and de-cluttering.

It might mean I need someone to keep me accountable…that might be YOU dear reader.

One thing for sure…it will require all the crazy grace I can get…

I’ll keep you posted.

About Lani

With six kids, a farm, a ministry and dreams poking out in every direction I need plenty of grace to keep all the balls in the air. The sweet thing is that when I drop them, that crazy grace of God is there telling me I'm still okay...and you are, too...welcome to this place of grace.

Subscribe

Subscribe to our e-mail newsletter to receive updates.

, ,

3 Responses to Raw and Unedited…

  1. Kristin Smith February 3, 2014 at 10:15 pm #

    Oh yes friend….Praying for you and joining you in setting a better example for our kids!! 🙂 Love you!!
    Kristin Smith recently posted…New LifeMy Profile

  2. sasha February 10, 2014 at 10:19 am #

    i really like the two kids we had it’s to bad they died oh and by the way there names were Cuddles and screamer
    sasha recently posted…Review: No One to TrustMy Profile

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge