Over the Edge

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I was in Bible College, I had arrived at the ultimate good girl spot.

One of my first classes the prof asked which of us girls wanted to be a pastor’s wife, my hand shot up and I giggled nervously. I was already engaged, I was on my way!

It didn’t take long for things to start going south.

While I was at Bible College all that dark stuff was suppressed – I thought I was free. Except for the toaster images that would pop up at the most inopportune times – like chapel, the middle of class and in the dark of night. Since I had a roommate and a good reputation to uphold I kept myself tightly in check.

My fiance on the other hand was slipping into his own kind of darkness. He became very competitive and couldn’t stand it when I got better marks than him. I became afraid to show him my results.

As time went on he started questioning my whereabouts continually. He wanted to know who I was with and when and where.  He started showing signs of instability and I got a little scared. A teacher called me into his office and tried to convince me that getting married in May might not be a good idea (this was March). I was stubborn and of course my amazing goodness would be enough to pull him back from the brink – I would be his saviour!

My roommate started fearing for my safety and began to make sure that I wasn’t alone with him. Finally I had to do the unthinkable and give the ring back and tell him things were over. This was only six weeks before the wedding was supposed to take place. My house of cards collapsed.

I was devastated, not because the wedding was off but because I hadn’t been enough. Who goes into Bible college engaged and comes out single?  Only a failure like me – it was my punishment for that dark life I had lived so long.

And the next day, that same teacher told me that my ex-fiance had been admitted to the psych ward. Not only was I a failure in the relationship department, I was now responsible for someone else’s mental breakdown…

I didn’t believe it then but my roommate, that teacher and the psych ward were God’s gift of grace to me…

This post is #6 in a series:

1. The Beginning of Grace

2. Monsters in My Closet

3. The Night the Flame Went Out

4. Something is Awakened

5. The Hooks are Set

6. Slipping Into Darkness

About Lani

With six kids, a farm, a ministry and dreams poking out in every direction I need plenty of grace to keep all the balls in the air. The sweet thing is that when I drop them, that crazy grace of God is there telling me I'm still okay...and you are, too...welcome to this place of grace.

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