Monsters in my closet…

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I remember the day that fear came bounding in the door.

I was six.

I don’t remember where my siblings were but I remember that my parents needed to go somewhere for a very short time. It was already dark and I was ready for bed and rather than get me dressed again decided to leave me at home by myself.

At first it didn’t seem like a big deal, I don’t remember crying or begging them to take me along so initially I must have been okay, at least until the car drove away.

I remember then the terror that gripped me when reality chased around the corner and breathed fear down the back of my neck.

I remember racing to the doors and locking them, checking every window.

I barricaded the door to the basement – evil things lurked down there and I had always been afraid of that dank hole.

Every light in the house was switched on.

Then I leaped onto my parents’ bed and waited in wide-eyed terror for them to come home.

They were only gone about twenty minutes, but in that twenty minutes, Fear had found a home in me.

After that I remember having dreams of horrific things.

Fear found a way to feed itself through ‘coincidences’. I’ve only been present at two horror movies in my life, once because my brothers tricked me into watching one at the theatre and I had no where to go, but they had bruises on their arms and legs from where I clamped on to them. I don’t think I saw much of the show because, thankfully, I can only remember one scene, and it wasn’t a scary one. The other time was at a farewell party when I was in high school and the movie they chose to watch was a horror, by that time I thought I could handle it but I think I only saw about fifteen minutes before I had to leave, I definitely could NOT handle it.

Fear dogged my steps leaving me in a cold sweat, leaping onto my bed at night so nothing could get me. Being afraid of open closets and sounds outside my window.

I was afraid of my parents dying and would check on them to see if they were alive – I’m not sure how many Sunday afternoon naps they actually got! I would sneak in and lift their eyelids to see if they were still ‘in there’. My mom tells me this started after my grandmother passed away and my grandpa told me that she was sleeping and wasn’t in there anymore – referring to her body. I took it literally and figured you could leave anytime you were having a nap.

I had irrational fear when left alone into my adult years until one day when it all came crashing in…

This is part 2 of my story you can begin here.

About Lani

With six kids, a farm, a ministry and dreams poking out in every direction I need plenty of grace to keep all the balls in the air. The sweet thing is that when I drop them, that crazy grace of God is there telling me I'm still okay...and you are, too...welcome to this place of grace.

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