Looking for Whitespace and getting Un-Lost

I have written vague blog posts.

There are rumours flying and people in the dark.

So for those who want to know…here is the whole story.

*I am linked up to Five-Minute-Friday and I will admit this is going to take way more than 5 minutes to write (or read) today, so if you’re here…from there…I understand if you don’t want to go through this book, however, the prompt for this week, LOST, couldn’t fit better with the journey we’ve been on…

It actually started about fifteen years ago or so…a dream birthed in my husband’s heart but it didn’t have anywhere to go at the time.

Fast forward to last year when that dream started to poke it’s elbows into his heart and he knew that he needed to make a change.

He spoke with the senior pastor and they prayed together about what the best route for that dream baby to take shape…they didn’t really come up with anything at that point. But by January Kelly knew it was time to do something or he’d end up doing nothing at all and that dream might never make it out into the open where it needed to be.

So he talked to council about a sabbatical, laid his dream out on the table and asked what they thought. Their counsel seemed wise and so the decision was made for him to step out of his role as youth pastor.

That’s where I got lost or maybe just realized that I had been lost for a very long time.

Then things started going down-hill on a very speedy bike with our son in the city. He did well the first semester of school but began having issues with anxiety second semester. I’ve spent the last few months driving back and forth between counsellors, doctors, schools and home trying to get things back on track for him and none of it worked.

My boy was lost in a sea of anxiety and we weren’t sure how to get him back.

Fortunately the home school kids were tracking and finished up all their classes and did marvellously well for having a mom that was in a fog of her own anxiety, fatigue and stress AND who pretty much lived in the van.

We had no idea what fall looked like. We just knew that Kelly needed time to think and plan and prepare for this new phase of ministry. I needed to rest and find myself again. I was so tired of being lost in the fog. I was looking for whitespace…that place in the margin where you can make notes in a book, the quiet parts of a pictures so your eyes can rest and take in the beauty.

So we prayed a lot more and started seeking more counsel. The words that kept coming back to us were difficult to take but the overwhelming sense was that we needed to go away from home for awhile to regroup and gain perspective and to rest. So we started looking at options, none of which we could afford or seemed right for us.

Finally the fog started clearing and the path that we are currently on emerged:

– Kelly would be done at the church at the end of June

– we needed a place for Chris to board for the next school year since the current situation wouldn’t be able to continue for fall

– we have a house in the city

– we have a wonderful community of friends and family in the city

– we need to create a distance so that whoever takes over the youth ministry could do so without our interference or influence

– I need to NOT home school or have any other demands on me so that I could breathe and find joy again

– Chris really needs his parents even if he doesn’t think he does

– We both need rest…whitespace. We are both highly creative people and need to reclaim that part of us that creates and seeks beauty.

** I have been reading Bonnie Gray’s book “Finding Spiritual Whitespace”, it has been a huge help to me in sorting through the mess that is me at the moment. I am planning to blog a lot about that book and the places it has taken me. If you’d like to join me for a little summertime online book club why don’t you pick up a copy in preparation! 🙂

I started feeling found again. I have a hard time with trust and blindness!

Once we started making these decisions and laying things down a magnificent peace descended on us like space opened up in my soul. While it will be difficult to leave behind our family and friends (and the newly renovated living room) here, it is only for a time….our plan at this point is to return but that bridge is in the distance and I refuse to give any head space to that just now.

Answers to the questions:

1. Kelly is going to keep farming. I will go ahead (and stay behind) with the kids so they can be in one school for the whole year.

2. Josiah is an adult (can hardly believe he is 18!!) and is choosing to stay on the farm for the next year as he finishes up the last of grade 12 and works. He will care for the immediate needs here and then he will head off on his own adventures.

3. I am not planning to find work right away, especially since I will be single parenting for the first while. If needed, I am employed with Canada Post and can probably pick up some casual work – but only if we really need it. This time isn’t about work or being productive, it is about rest!

4. Chris will live at home and attempt school again. Abby will be going to the same school as him. Tommy Douglas Collegiate where they both have friends.

5. The younger kids will be going to Saskatoon Christian School (if they let us in!). Our family counsellor is also the school counsellor there which will provide continuity in the healing process.

6. We are planning on taking full advantage of the city’s Leisure Centres and swimming up a storm!

Maybe you have more questions…I am happy to answer them.

*If you’d like to follow along on our adventures click the subscribe button up at the top and my posts, whenever they come, will be delivered to your inbox!

*I am linked up to Five Minute Friday, a glorious community of writers who hang out on Fridays writing for the love of it!

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*I just found the Whitespace Link up so this post is linking up there as well…

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About Lani

With six kids, a farm, a ministry and dreams poking out in every direction I need plenty of grace to keep all the balls in the air. The sweet thing is that when I drop them, that crazy grace of God is there telling me I'm still okay...and you are, too...welcome to this place of grace.

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8 Responses to Looking for Whitespace and getting Un-Lost

  1. Ann June 28, 2014 at 11:31 am #

    Praying with you, braveheart. Praying with you.

  2. Mandy June 28, 2014 at 1:36 pm #

    Lani, I cannot tell you how much I love this post and on how many levels it resonates with me. I am so glad you have peace and direction. You’ve journeyed so long, and I am in awe of your courage in stepping out to rest. You have so inspired me and given me hope. I’ve been working through Bonnie’s book too, knowing I need to dig deep into the rest she describes. Thanks for these words, friend. Hugs and prayers!
    Mandy recently posted…Moments of Spiritual WhitespaceMy Profile

    • Lani June 28, 2014 at 9:41 pm #

      thanks for dropping by Mandy, I am going to be rereading that book a few times I think. I need to dig into it a lot more. This first ‘surface’ read has been so timely I am looking forward to going deeper.
      Lani recently posted…Looking for Whitespace and getting Un-LostMy Profile

  3. Kelli Moore June 28, 2014 at 3:03 pm #

    Wow. I am so glad you chose to share – whether it took 5 minutes – or 35. I enjoyed how your words flowed together. I enjoyed the honesty and the courage. I admire your faith and your dedication to your family. I was blessed by your post and will now be a follower. Can’t wait to see what God does in your lives!
    Kelli Moore recently posted…LostMy Profile

  4. Sasha Wiens July 1, 2014 at 8:57 am #

    praying for you mom

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