The plan around here is that we’ll be talking about the WORD on Wednesdays.
This may seem like a natural sort of thing for a good Christian blogger to be doing but I need to give you a little backstory.
I have been the good Christian girl all my life, doing the good Christian girl ‘things’. I have fulfilled the good Christian girl roles and have played most of the parts: leader, follower, teacher, speaker, group member, board member, director, joiner. Been to the church kiosk and can buy ALL the T-shirts.
So last year when we were together with some friends who were also Christian role fillers and good people let us know that they’d decided to lay down all the Christian ‘things’ it kind of rocked my world. We love these people and have known them a long time and I didn’t know, up until that point, anyone who had simply walked away from all of it. Just decided to quit believing that all that we’d grown up with was true.
I wondered if I would do that, could do that, would ponder it even.
The last decade and a half has been hard. I have had to lean into my faith and perseverance otherwise I would have never survived.
Then I hit this wall of anxiety and depression and numbness where I didn’t really care about much of anything or anyone outside my immediate circle.
So I laid down all my Christian ‘things’. I decided that i didn’t want to do the expected Christian ‘things’ out of legalism or obligation. I wanted to do it, not because it was the right thing to do, but because my spirit and soul longed for it and knew that was what was needed. I wanted to be hungry.
Have you ever gypped yourself nutritionally?
I hope I’m not the only silly-minded girl out there who eats junk and snack food all the way to the family gathering only to be full and not hungry for the real food!! And you taste a little of that real food and it is like heaven and you wonder why you were so stupid as to replace junk for the real thing. (there’s a scripture that talks about people who do that – exchange the truth of God for a lie). Please tell me you’ve done it, too!!
I wanted to quit feeding on all the books and shows and other teachings and see if I actually got hungry, longed for connection with my God.
So I quit.
I quit the Christian ‘things’.
I didn’t make myself go to church. I didn’t sing when I did go. I sometimes paid attention to the teaching but not always. I didn’t DO anything. I didn’t read my Bible and I didn’t actively pray.
And yet my soul reached out for God and in those quiet, numb places, (or maybe He reached out to me, I don’t know) He told me it was perfectly okay for me to do nothing (so I guess I was still listening a little). To just sit there like a lump. His love for me wasn’t about to change, even if I binge watched Netflix every single night. And it felt kind of like He hung out with me, there in the wilderness places of my journey over this last year and a half. He sat with my hollowed out self, watching me eat chips and just be.
And eventually my soul uncurled itself from its hiding place and sought light.
Songs had meaning again.
Teaching meant something. (I even had a revelation or two that I’ve shared publicly).
Books and scripture began to make sense and come together to form a message that His gentle self was slowly leading me toward.
I needed to choose.
I needed to be intentional.
I could choose to exchange the truth of God for a lie OR I could accept the truth that I knew and walk in it.
I could lay down the whole thing and walk away OR I could choose to believe.
Either way, He had no intention of changing who He was for me. He was going to continue to be the God who pursues me. The God who is With me, my provider, my healer, my protector and my Abba.
So I said yes.
And I started getting peckish, can’t say totally hungry…but definitely looking at the tray and saying, “Hmmmm, that looks good”.
Then there was this conversation with our kids that required answering the question, “When did you know for certain that there was no way circumstances would have gone the way they did unless God was real and involved?” As we sat and answered that question, going back over the history of us and all the places where God has more than intervened on our behalf, where He showed us what was going to happen before it did and then it played out exactly like that, times where you just couldn’t explain it away.
…faith came back.
Because He is.
And I realized that there was no way I would ever walk away from this God who is so personal to me, who sat with me while I did nothing and told me He loved me. I won’t walk away, I don’t think I could. I know in my knower that He isn’t going to.
So on Wednesdays I want to come here and share the fresh bread that He is handing out to me through the Bible studying that I’m doing. I hope that you’ll be encouraged and you’ll dig in on your own, allowing Him to speak and heal and lead.
that’s what Wednesdays are going to look like. I hope you’ll visit often. I might even link up somewhere if I find a place where I fit here in this worldwide web.
You, you are welcome here. Feel free to ask questions, challenge my thoughts and engage in conversation. The door is open. Let’s get hungry together.