There isn’t enough for me.
There never has been.
Probably there never will be.
I can give grace to others but I don’t deserve any.
Any of that sound familiar?
These are lies that I have believed and often still struggle with.
I tend to be grace-deprived.
Not because God hasn’t given it freely I just have a hard time receiving it.
I’ve seen this same phenomenon in many others. Young moms who want to serve and minister, older women who think they have no more to offer, in the middle women who are juggling crazy schedules.
We tend to speak grace to everyone that doesn’t live inside our four walls.
But in there, where we live, we suck grace out and demand perfection from ourselves and from our men and from our children.
One of my kids called me on it once. “You want me to be perfect! And I’m not!”
And I had nothing to say, because it was true. I went to my bedroom and wept.
I have been steeped in the words of scripture and church culture since birth.
I have also been steeped in the heritage of hard working, independent people who don’t ask for help.
You just do things yourself. You get it right. You keep a stiff upper lip and work a little harder. You give until there is nothing left. You do it right. every. time. Your kids sit still in church, never talk back and serve others. You don’t say no to serving opportunities. Your house is always spotless. Your kids eat broccoli every day and love it. They slept through the night at six weeks and potty trained right on schedule. You lost all the baby weight and never are tempted to indulge. You always say the right thing. Bring the casserole. Send the card. Remember the birthday. Help the teachers. Love the husband. Who is always on time. Never forgets to pick up milk on his way home. Works at a job he loves. Helps with the kids. Picks up his underwear. Is a great dad. Never embarasses you. You have people over regularly. Serve at the soup kitchen. Never miss a day on devotions. Go to prayer meeting. Sing on a worship team. Play an instrument. Be a leader. Teach Sunday school. Get a job. Stay home and take care of your kids. Have a degree. Keep a budget. Keep a huge garden with no weeds. Never overspend. Don’t have any debt. Have a plan. Keep a schedule. Bake all you own bread and cookies and pies…
This is the exhausting life and I have tried for the last two decades to be that girl.
And it bled me dry.
I need grace, but I rarely give it to myself even while I’m handing it to you.
I have spoken about it. Encouraged others with it. Write about it here
I can dispense grace easily to others because I see their need for it.
Not so much for me and mine.
I want them to be perfect so I look perfect so that everyone will think we are a perfect family.
Heaven (and most of the free world) knows that we are anything but.
There are crumbs in my drawers and junk on my counters. My kids may or may not have pulled the clothes they are wearing out of a laundry basket. That is store-bought bread on my counter. I’ve gained weight, again.
My body has demanded that I slow down, stop even. Get OFF the treadmill that I so willingly climbed on.
I need to learn to receive grace.
These last two weeks I have been working at reclaiming the house we bought eight years ago. The one I only got to live in for a year before we moved to the farm. I love that house.
I have had to work hard at extending grace as I fill in holes, mud, sand, paint and scrub off 7 years of accumulated dirt.
The beauty of paint is that it covers over all that mess and makes it clean and beautiful again.
Grace is like that.
I need to receive His cleansing, His mud/sand/paint process in all the deep and ugly places of my heart.
I need to accept that I can’t do this on my own.
This reclaiming of a rested soul that truly lives.
Because I want to be alive again, full of grace and truth.
So I keep creating this whitespace in that house. We are not going to fill it with so much stuff. We are going to make it into an aesthetically pleasing place that will let my eyes rest on beauty and that my body will enjoy.
You are so welcome to come there.
To receive grace within our walls.
I am praying that I will have learned how to receive by the end of all this.
I am planning for my days to be wide open to grace. To not tie myself to the expectations that I so easily pile on. I plan to do that for my kids and my husband. That this season will be one of learning grace for all of us.
all this crazy grace available for me…and you
Your turn – what were your thoughts on chapter 3 and receiving?
* all photo credits go to my daughter abby – she takes some beautiful shots! 🙂 #proudmama
The series begins here:
I am also linking up with FMF – this post is waaaay longer than a 5 minute read but it fits in with Friday’s prompt which was FILL! You can see what FMF is all about in a new place – we are hanging out at Kate’s place!