Discouraged/Encouraged…A conversation with myself

 

I sit and have a conversation with myself. Trying to talk myself into a better state of mind. This mind that has struggled to be sound and joyful for the last five years and so often failing to muster up good thoughts. When things get overwhelming or the fatigue threatens to drown me I have to find things to be thankful for. Things that are encouraging. Because I need to be encouraged and there’s only me here today.

I am a worst-case-scenario thinker. Today I was going through the ‘memories for you’ section on Facebook and came across an old post – it was an update on a list of dreams I’d posted earlier. This update was at least four or five years old I think. I decided to click thinking I would be able to say, “Oh look, we’ve seen so much progress.” But no, there hasn’t been. So I had to do the following, because when you give a girl discouragement, well, she needs to walk in the opposite spirit. (I already had the cookies)

Discouraged:

I look back at words I’ve written down. Dreams I’ve dreamed. Dreams that are no further along than they were last time I ‘checked in’. Dreams dreamed years ago. **sigh**

Encouraged:

They are still my dreams. I haven’t given up on them. I still have hope. Maybe this will be the year of progress.

Discouraged:

Renovations suck. Dirt. Dust. Furniture in disarray and awkward places. Mess. Smell. Chaos.

Encouraged:

We are at the point in the renovation where we are so close to the ‘lipstick and rouge’. The point where things will suddenly come together and look amazing. The bow on the gift. The icing on the cake. We are so close.

Discouraged:

We have a lot of that ‘lipstick and rouge’ business to do at the farmhouse.

Encouraged:

Nothing to the extent of what we had to do in the city house.

Discouraged:

Apparently I am not done walking this road of anxiety and depression.

Encouraged:

There are others like me who are on the road that are willing to talk about it. Others that I can lend a little light to. Others who are lending a little light to me. I just finished watching Brett Ullman’s The Walking Wounded – a powerful video on mental health for those who are struggling or for those who are walking with someone who is, LOTS of great information and encouragement there. Visit his website for more: www.brettullman.com

Discouraged:

I want to write so much and the words buzz in my head like so many bees yet when I pick up a pen or a keyboard all words seem to flee.

Encouraged:

Today a few found purchase on this screen. Grace, grace, God’s grace…grace that is greater than all of this, all the dark, all the discouragement, all the sin, all the crazy chaos of our life. Crazy, crazy grace.

Dear friends, can we not forget that we need each other deeply. That we MUST encourage one another.

Can we remember that mental illness isn’t a swear word, that ‘christianeze’ isn’t necessarily helpful or wanted. That there are many walking wounded. Perhaps you just need to ask, “How are you TODAY?” and then really listen.

About Lani

With six kids, a farm, a ministry and dreams poking out in every direction I need plenty of grace to keep all the balls in the air. The sweet thing is that when I drop them, that crazy grace of God is there telling me I'm still okay...and you are, too...welcome to this place of grace.

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