Do you anticipate disappointment?
May I have a show of hands? Please tell me I’m not the only one who does this.
It’s sad but true.
Next week I am heading to South Carolina to join with about 400 other blogger/writer women who love Jesus at the Allume conference. I will be hanging out in a room with several other women that I haven’t met yet. They probably aren’t scary, right? I know almost no one going this year, that should be fine, right?
This may not be the recipe for an introvert’s relaxing weekend.
I am not planning to be disappointed. I am holding out hope for a wonderful, Spirit-filled, God-sized time with these people, but I must confess there is also anxiety lurking just underneath.
Because my desires are these:
- I want people to like me.
- I want to not have to be aggressive in getting to know people.
- I really want to get my tank filled up.
- I don’t want my insecurities to show.
and hey, if one of the publishing houses said, “Hey, we read your blog, we love your writing, we’d love to publish your books.” That would be astounding, unfortunately the disappointment on that one is already there – my first choice didn’t want to meet with me at this time. (I will admit to some quiet relief because I don’t have to anticipate rejection while I’m there, got that over with already!)
I’ve done this kind of thing before. Put that disappointment on like a cloak, a shield of protection against the harsh realities of the world. If I am prepared maybe it won’t hurt so much if or when the disappointment arrives.
I’ve been conditioned to believe that things won’t go as planned, they rarely do. Am I right on that one? Yeah, unfortunately. When I was younger I would build things up in my mind to epic proportions, there was only one way to fall off that pedestal. I was disappointed a lot and eventually swung the pendulum over to a much more pessimistic view, trying to anticipate the worst because surely it wouldn’t be THAT bad and I could be surprised by having things go better than my worst case scenario.
I working hard at just resting and trusting. In Isaiah it says, “In repentance and rest is your salvation but you would have none of it.” I don’t want to be like that. I want to be in that repentance and rest place so I am learning, slowly, to take my white-knuckled-control-freakish grip off of events like this and just believe that God knows what I need to experience. Learning to leave the anxiety at home.
Anticipating disappointment kind of takes the fun of out of things. It tends to wring the joy out and leave you empty. As I seek the Lord for healing of my emotions and the hard things we’ve endured and are enduring I am learning to give my anticipation and anxieties over to Him. It isn’t easy. Allume is yet another situation where I’m going to have to let Him carry me gently through.
I will have to change what I believe.
- I am worthy of love and acceptance and am already pre-approved – even if no one gives me the time of day!
- I will meet and converse with only the people that God wants me to meet and converse with, He knows how much energy I have and if I listen, He will tell me when it’s time to move out of my comfort zone and when it’s time to withdraw. (My first Allume he sent me Laura from I’m An Organizing Junkie on the plane from TO to hold my hand for the first couple of hours!)
- I will open my heart to all that He has in store for me, because He is a good, good Father.
- If my insecurities show, which they probably will, see #1. It’s okay, I am Bountifully Loved, Extravagantly Saved, Supplied, Empowered, Delivered (BLESSED) – Yes, I wrote it on my arm to remember as I go into this next week – we were playing with henna in conjunction with our unit on Morocco so I thought it would be a good way to remember!
- A book deal will happen at the right time and not a moment before.
Psst…If you’re one of my room-mates and you’re reading this, I can’t wait to meet you. I am believing the very best about you and not one of my room-mates that I’ve had so far has been a disappointment. I will advise you to bring ear-plugs, my husband says that I “purr” in my sleep – a nice way of saying I snore, another insecurity that is now out in the open…
What are you anticipating today?
**If you would like to read this series from the beginning you can head over here to see all of the posts so far.