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There are some moments you never forget.

We were moving into our first house that we bought. In the middle of boxes and furniture our new neighbour from across the street came over with the news that my brother had been in an accident. This was in the days before cell phones. My baby was four months old. My father-in-law and my pastor were there. We stopped and prayed.

Then another call came telling me that my brother was dead.

And our world stopped. I don’t remember what happened after that. I suppose they finished moving things in and left. I remember my father-in-law most of all. His sister was murdered, so he knew what this felt like.

I was so stunned. Why would God do this? He was only 33 year old, 33 and 3 days to be exact. He had two little boys and they had just found out that they were expecting their third. It was a single vehicle roll-over with no explanation. I felt like God got it wrong. Disappointment was kind of an understatement.

Last night my mom and I were talking about hurry and we got on the topic of Lazarus. Jesus did not hurry over and heal Lazarus when he heard he was sick. He waited until he was good and dead before he showed up. Scripture shows that Mary was disappointed with Jesus, “If you had come sooner…” she said.

But if he had come sooner it wouldn’t have been such a great miracle. Raising someone from the dead pones a healing any day of the week. He knew what he was going to do, he and the Father had discussed how this was going to go and disappointment turned into astonishment.

My brother didn’t get raised from the dead. But my sister-in-law and her family were healed in a way that they may never have been if my brother hadn’t died. I am sad that my nephews and my niece don’t have their dad. I am sad that my niece never even got to meet him. However, I am thankful that the man that God brought in to be a daddy to her was a perfect fit.

I will never understand why God took my brother away when he did on this side of heaven but He did give me a gift. Not long after Gary died I had a dream in which my brother and I were at some kind of fancy dress event. He was wearing a tux and he looked so handsome. We talked and laughed and he told me he was okay, that I didn’t need to worry about him. A beautiful peace descended.

Am I still disappointed that my brother is gone? Yes.

Will that disappointment ever go away? I don’t know, I don’t think so.

My deep desire is to see my brother again and that won’t happen this side of heaven. This disappointment is one I will have to live with.